04.17.07
Sometimes, I Surprise Myself
Today was another long, exhausting day. But, unlike my post on Friday after a long, exhausting day, I do not have the luxury of a three-day weekend ahead of me to recuperate (yes, Massachusetts has a made-up holiday so that thousands of crazy people can run 26.2 miles. It’s awesome). But I had to reflect on a couple of things -
1 - I have only been a public defender for about 7.5 months. And, obviously, it has been a very steep learning curve in all respects. But today, I realized that I have grown enormously in the small (but vital) area of taking things in stride. I am, by nature, someone who gets harried and stressed out when faced with difficult situations, or even just a lot of things going on at once. And dealing with that was one of my biggest challenges as a PD. When I had to be in 12 places at once, I couldn’t focus on any of them and would get flustered, sometimes to my embarrassment (please tell me that I am not the only one who has cried in the courtroom before). I couldn’t formulate thoughts when the judge threw me something unexpected and I often just would not be able to remain calm and deal with things one at a time. Today, when faced with a very difficult situation and a very difficult judge, I actually just…stayed calm, thought threw the twists, said everything right, and resolved what was looking like an unresloveable situation. And my brain said “Hey, you wouldn’t have been able to do that a few months ago. And now you look like a real lawyer! And a good lawyer!” Then I mentally patted myself on the back.
2 - I have given probation departments and probation officers a lot of grief. They are sometimes much more difficult to deal with than prosecutors, and their jobs are not, by definition, to be out to get people. But today (in the same difficult situation referenced above), I worked WITH (not, for once, against) the best probation officer in the state (title conferred by me). He went far, far above and beyond what he had to do (which was…nothing) out of actual concern for my client. He was, in simple terms, awesome. And I wish I could pat him on the back. But that would be a little weird.
Audacity said,
April 19, 2007 at 1:06 pm
I’ve only been a PD for 1.5 years and there’s a definitely a decrease in my stress level. Right before my first trial, I was completely nauseous and tried to throw up in the bathroom. I don’t really have that feeling anymore.. now, it’s just normal nerves and the fear of looking like a jackass. And even that fear is slowly subsiding.
Donzell said,
April 23, 2007 at 11:33 am
I have been a PD for close to seven years. I still get nervous before every trial. I was told by a very wise judge the following: the day that you don’t get nervous before trying a criminal case is the day that you need to quit.
Anyhow, you should know this about me because I am one of your friends from SG that reads your blog.
oxymephorous said,
February 25, 2008 at 12:30 pm
So, I randomly stumbled my way here, and I’ve really enjoyed reading back through your entries and hearing your perspective on things. My involvement with the criminal justice system is a little…. well, let’s say convoluted; suffice to say I had a friend behind bars and I spent a fair bit of time visiting Billerica and doing research. It was an interesting experience.
Anyways, your favorite PO sounds like someone I’ve met in my misadventures…. it’s really inspiring when you meet somebody who goes far above and beyond the call of duty, especially when it’s so easy to burn out. He’s not out of Somerville courthouse by any chance, is he?