11.05.07
Crisis of Faith
I have put off writing this post for a long time because I was unsure whether to reveal my current turmoil to the world or just power through it. And then I realized that the few but proud readers of this site may be the best ones to help me cope, as I know that I am not the only public defender to feel this way. So here goes…
I am having a crisis of faith. I fear that I am losing my passion, that I am succumbing to the daily pressures, that I am reaching the dreaded burn-out. And I am intensely ashamed of that, because there was rarely a soul that drank the Kool-Aid as deeply as I did. It has barely been a year as a public defender - a mere year! - and I am finding that my patience is waning, that my long nights are getting shorter and shorter, with fewer and fewer things getting checked off that to-do list. And I hate to say it, but a great deal of it is the money issue.
Now, of course I came into this job knowing that I was going to be making crap for money. I was embracing my idealism and eschewing the ease with which my friends were putting down payments on downtown condos. I was doing it for the love, not the money. And all that would still be well and good, except that I am not only living below the means of my friends, I am actually not even able to make ends meet. I am sinking deeper into credit card debt, because my rent constitutes 50% of my pay and the rest simply does not cover food, gas, utilities, and the occasional need for a new suit or a cocktail (nevermind my loan payments). Just last week, I had to replace all four tires on my car because I had worn them to dangerous levels and I have absolutely no idea where that $500 is going to come from. It went on the plastic and that is going to overwhelm me. The theory of living like a righteous warrior fighting the good fight is a lot easier than facing the reality of ever-mounting debt of all kinds. It honestly keeps me up at night.
So I figure that I have three choices - a) keep at it, hoping for a raise or a bonus at the whim of the legislature, while still racking up more and more debt; b) pick up a second job slinging coffee or scanning book purchases and sacrifice the precious few hours I have with my family, boyfriend, or slumber as it is; or c) quit and find something that pays better. Several of you may suggest d) moving closer to work to cut down on expenses, but that would mean having to sacrifice my entire relationship with the man I am going to marry, so I cannot go there. Other than that being thrown out, I honestly do not know what to do. I really, really do not.
The daily grind of difficult clients, overwhelming case loads, frustrating prosecutors, and the rest would be eased enormously by the money issue. In the end, my crisis of faith is not so much about the job, but about the living. I just don’t know if I can do it.
Donzell said,
November 6, 2007 at 12:04 am
i can fully relate. i am dealing with the money issue as well. if i had an answer or a solution, trust me, i would share it with you.
Pip said,
November 6, 2007 at 8:51 am
*hugs* I feel your pain! It is criminal that student loans are not forgiven for those who go into public service and it is further criminal that public servants are not paid enough to survive on.
It’s a shame you can’t do alittle dirty PI stuff on the side. j/k Talk with the man, do some good hard soul searching, make a plan then follow it.
10 Year Vet said,
November 6, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Yeah, I know that feeling, particularly when the Legislature decides to stiff the public defense budget for over three months. The salary situation sucks, both for the full-time PDs and for the prosecutors. The hourly rate situation for CPCS work is horrible.
I’ve been doing this for over ten years and I wish I could tell you that it’ll get better. (Today’s too rainy and grey a day for the “buck up little buckaroo” post.)
You’ve got relatively few options, sadly. A second job. Private clients at market rates. Or working in another state that pays better for public defense work. The existing situation has driven away a lot of good attorneys. I had hoped the legislature would see the light after the last crisis, but the latest budget mess gives me no confidence they value our work.
Can Igo home now said,
November 9, 2007 at 5:45 pm
I can unfortunately totally relate. My solution? I got a second full-time job..go figure! It’s really sad… I love the job at times…but I don’t know how long I can hang onto it.
Thoughts and prayers are with you
Gideon said,
November 11, 2007 at 2:31 pm
M,
You gotta do what you gotta do. Just don’t let frustration over money deprive you of doing something you love. Find the least painful alternative and pick that - can you move to another state that pays better?