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I have so much to talk about that I kept waiting for the time to sit down and write a nice long post filling you in on all the news (like the Massachusetts jail that is letting inmates out and the NPR program about jail over-crowding). Then I realized that I will never have a chunk of time to write everything that I want to write about at once and it was stupid to write nothing at all. So here I am with five minutes before I have to leave and I wanted to share with you some exciting news…

I had my first jury trial last week.

It was terrifying at first. And then, as I think I have said a lot of times here, I totally forgot that there were other people there and I just did it. And I did it well, I think. On a seven count complaint, I got required findings of Not Guilty on four counts (all the felonies). Then the last three counts (all misdemeanors) went to the jury, which came back Guilty on all three. So technically I got Not Guilty verdicts in a jury trial…just not from the jury itself. But it is a huge relief to get that first one over with. And I am proud of myself.

Seriously.  I am on the front page of the damn news again, picture and all.  And I do not like it.  At all. I’m not being facetious.  Quote my argument if you want, but stop taking my picture.

In better news, I argued a motion to suppress today and kicked some serious prosecutor/state trooper ass. I won’t have a decision for a few weeks (we have two weeks to file memos of law), but I feel really good.  I not only think the law really is on my side, but I knew it so well and I argued it so well and I just feel good about it.  And I did it immediately after a not guilty verdict had come in on my co-worker’s first jury trial.

So I showed up to court yesterday with an agenda of nothing more than working out pleas for two clients. But as soon as I walked into the courtroom, the clerk called me over and asked me to do the arraignment for a young man who had just been arrested in a fairly high-profile crime last week. So I spoke to him, knowing nothing more about the case than I had heard on the news. And when I went back to the courtroom, there were suddenly photographers and a damn news camera ready to film the arraignment. When I woke up to go to work, being on television was not on my list of things to do. But there I was, working with the pathetically minimal information on the criminal complaint that led to the arrest and fighting for this kid I had just met 10 minutes earlier. The feeling was sort of like being on trial last week - I completely forgot about anyone else in the room and just…fought. And I lost, of course. But now my grandparents have seen me on the news and my picture is on the front page of a local TV station’s website and I am quoted on the front page of a couple of newspapers. It’s an odd feeling.

Look, I know, I have already broken my promise by not writing yesterday. I apologize. I suck.

Anyway. I got fired by a client for the first time this week. And even though I knew it was coming (he had fired every other lawyer he has ever been appointed and brought lawsuits against judges, jails, etc)…it still sucked. To have a client announce in open court that he is “completely unsatisfied with counsel” just blows, even knowing that I worked my butt off on his case and was expecting to get fired far in advance of actually being so. The worst part was knowing that I had other clients sitting in the audience - I know the judge knows I work hard and that I am a good lawyer, I know the other lawyers know I work hard and that I am a good lawyer. But my other clients - even knowing that I have worked hard and been a good lawyer to them - are the most likely to take a firing and such proclamation in court to heart. And I didn’t want them to lose faith in me or to resort to any perception that public defenders are not “real” lawyers. Luckily, these particular clients did not.

But man, it still sucks to be fired. And this is the first time of many, I’m sure.

I have found myself with a lot of female clients lately, most of whom are locked up. And for a female to be locked-up on a pre-trial basis means that she has been through the system a huge number of times and has likely messed up nearly every chance the court has bent over backwards to give her. These women are tough.

I was in the court lock-up today, having an extended conversation with one of these female clients about what was going on in her complicated case. But after we finished our discussion…she complimented my nail polish. And I laughed.

It just goes to show that, no matter how many times you have cycled through the system or the degree of crap that you have been through in your life…all women still appreciate a good manicure.

Today was another long, exhausting day. But, unlike my post on Friday after a long, exhausting day, I do not have the luxury of a three-day weekend ahead of me to recuperate (yes, Massachusetts has a made-up holiday so that thousands of crazy people can run 26.2 miles. It’s awesome). But I had to reflect on a couple of things -

1 - I have only been a public defender for about 7.5 months. And, obviously, it has been a very steep learning curve in all respects. But today, I realized that I have grown enormously in the small (but vital) area of taking things in stride. I am, by nature, someone who gets harried and stressed out when faced with difficult situations, or even just a lot of things going on at once. And dealing with that was one of my biggest challenges as a PD. When I had to be in 12 places at once, I couldn’t focus on any of them and would get flustered, sometimes to my embarrassment (please tell me that I am not the only one who has cried in the courtroom before). I couldn’t formulate thoughts when the judge threw me something unexpected and I often just would not be able to remain calm and deal with things one at a time. Today, when faced with a very difficult situation and a very difficult judge, I actually just…stayed calm, thought threw the twists, said everything right, and resolved what was looking like an unresloveable situation. And my brain said “Hey, you wouldn’t have been able to do that a few months ago. And now you look like a real lawyer! And a good lawyer!” Then I mentally patted myself on the back.

2 - I have given probation departments and probation officers a lot of grief. They are sometimes much more difficult to deal with than prosecutors, and their jobs are not, by definition, to be out to get people. But today (in the same difficult situation referenced above), I worked WITH (not, for once, against) the best probation officer in the state (title conferred by me). He went far, far above and beyond what he had to do (which was…nothing) out of actual concern for my client. He was, in simple terms, awesome. And I wish I could pat him on the back. But that would be a little weird.

Today, I was on arraignment duty in district court. I always dread these days because they are, by far, the most exhausting, unpredictable, and soul-sucking days I have to face. (Side note: I have yet to actually go to trial, so I may revise that thought later).

Granted, there is a definite formula to doing arraignments - once I get the list of people who have been arrested and brought to court, I get the record and police report, go into lock-up, and ask the standard questions. Do you know what you’re charged with? How old are you? Where do you live? How long have you been in this area? Do you have a job? Who do you live with? Do you have any kids? How far did you go in school? How much money can you post for bail? Etc. But there can be anywhere from three to twenty of these interviews to go through.

And so much depends on who the judge is for the day, who the clerk calling the cases is, how difficult the situation is, and how the client deals with said situation. Is he used to the process? Is he crying? Is he going through withdrawal? Is he belligerent? Is he completely unrealistic? It is an exhausting process. It involves going in and out of lock-up and courtrooms, making calls on my own cell phone, trying to arrange detox beds, calming people down, yelling at people, fighting with probation and the DA, and generally being pulled in twelve different directions at once.

Sometimes, people get locked up on bails that are ludicrous, leaving me feeling like I’m a complete failure as a lawyer. But then, sometimes people are released on personal recognizance when I didn’t think I had a damn chance in hell, leaving me feeling like I’m the best lawyer in the world. Most of the time, though, I feel like a superfluous warm body, there only because a judge cannot lock someone up without having them technically represented by counsel. I feel like I give a broken-record spiel, relaying the same woeful tales and barrage of excuses over and over and over and over again.

By the end of the day, after going literally non-stop for eight hours (often without a spare moment for a bathroom or lunch break), my body aches and my head throbs. I have too much paperwork to keep track of. I worry about when I’m going to find the time to fit jail visits in to actually talk to my new clients about their cases. I feel defeated and beaten down.

But once in a while, I feel…triumphant. Sometimes just because I have gotten through it all and am still breathing. Sometimes because I fought hard and feel that, even in one case, the right decision was made. Sometimes just because I managed to keep everyone’s stories straight and my voice sounded clear, confident, and convincing. Sometimes just because the judge actually took half a second to listen to my voice.

Today was one of those days. It was, by far, the busiest arraignment day I have ever seen, with the highest number of arrests and people in custody. I handled at least three times the load I usually do. And I was thanked. I was thanked by the court officers, by several clients, and by some family members. I kept cool and calm. I fought my ass off and felt like a lot of correct decisions were made by the court. I felt like I never wanted to do anything other than be a public defender for the rest of my life.

It’s fairly common for me to see former clients in court, usually because they have picked up new charges or violated their probation. Most are sheepish when they see me, apologetic that they didn’t do what they were supposed to do. Some are angry, convinced (and not always incorrectly) that their probation officer or the police are just out to get them. Some even ask if I can be their lawyer again, or if they can hire me. And that always gives me a nice little fuzzy (though the answer is no, unless I happen to be on duty when they are arraigned and I convince the court officers to put them on my list).

But today, I saw a client in court who was there to set up her system for random drug screens with probation. She was there on schedule, doing everything she was supposed to do. And she looked amazing. It took me a few seconds to register who she was when she called out my name and waved in the hallway. Since I last saw her - when she plead her case out, facing two more months in jail and a long period of probation - she has put on some much-needed weight and lost a huge amount of that horrible premature aging that so ravages women addicted to heroin. Her hair was dyed, her makeup was done, her clothes were neat and clean. And she was just…healthy. I had grown really fond of her over the course of my representation. She was always very well-spoken, very realistic about her case, and completely willing to take all responsibility for what she had done over a year before. And what she did was incredibly stupid, though it was born out of a want to truly do right by the people who had helped her out. But, as heroin is wont to do, her logic about wanting to thank those people got a little twisted, as the result was highly illegal. I was thrilled to see her looking so good and earnestly trying so hard. She seemed almost giddy to see me, smiling and thanking me and introducing me to her father like I was an old favorite teacher or something. It truly brightened an otherwise stressful arraignment day and I hope, with all my heart, that she continues on this same path.

Please - if you are ever supposed to appear in court, just go. On time. Show the hell up. Because no matter how scared you may be of what is going to happen, it will only get worse if you don’t show up. There is absolutely nothing I hate more than defaults. If I am on arraignment duty and I see that someone’s record has defaults on it, I know that my bail argument will be even more futile than usual. If I have a good deal worked out for my client and I don’t see him…don’t see him…don’t see him, I know that he will be defaulted, the deal will go out the window, and he will likely get picked up on an arrest warrant and face an uphill battle in custody rather than out of it.

I had a case scheduled for discovery compliance today. My client is 18-years-old with absolutely nothing else on his record, not even a juvenile record. I spent several precious morning moments talking to the prosecutor about what was going on in the case and felt confident that I could either get the case resolved incredibly favorably for this client, or put it on for trial without feeling like I was going to embarrass myself. But he never showed up. I spent the next 2.5 hours searching the faces in the audience, obsessively checking the hallways, constantly calling my office to check messages, and even calling him on my (*67 protected) personal cell phone. All to no avail. He wasn’t coming. And when the case was called, I had to say that I had not yet seen my client. The DA asked for a default warrant and the judge granted it. So now this 18-year-old could be in his living room tonight and the cops can come bust him and he will be taken into custody for the first time in his life. Or maybe he will be driving a little too fast next week and he will be arrested once the cops realize his license has been suspended because of a default warrant. Or maybe there will be a rash of crime and the police will be too busy to worry about default warrants, in which case, he may slip through the cracks for another month. But he won’t ever just escape it and he’ll face a much harsher reality once it catches up with him.

Our office has been getting a crush of calls lately from social workers and legal aid lawyers around the country, begging for us to please help some destitute and disabled person in California or Oregon or Kansas address a 20-year-old warrant in our county. Why, when these people thought that they had safely fled that charge of receiving stolen property or driving an uninsured motor vehicle so many years ago, are they suddenly desperate to take care of them now? Because now they need Social Security disability payments to live. And Social Security will not dole out benefits to anyone with an open warrant anywhere. They literally have an entire department dedicated to sussing these warrants out just to avoid giving them a couple hundred bucks a month. In 1990, this sort of interconnectedness did not exist between states or the feds or even counties within one state. But technology can be a bitch and no judge where I practice is going to have one iota of sympathy for a sob story unless you show your damn face in court. These people defaulted just like my 18-year-old client did today. Only now, they literally may die because of it.

So please. Go to court.

Guess what? I’m back to the blog. I know it has been seven months and honestly, I’m ashamed of that. I started this blog as a labor of love, after having my semi-professional writing gig come to an end. But since taking the bar last summer, I have actually become a real public defender and cases and clients and commuting have consumed me. By the time I am home and able to write, my brain is fried and I end up watching television. But I have recently discovered the fantastic plethora of public defender blogs out in internet land and I have been inspired to truly kick mine into gear.

To keep you occupied while I start writing up a storm, I recommend Indefensible, written by David Feige, author of the book by the same name. And I have just discovered Ipse Dixit, which beautifully combines PD musings and American Idol snark. That combination must be loved. Finally, a special shout out to Arbitrary and Capricious, the only blog by someone I don’t know to link to one of my stories here!

Today, I was on arraignment duty in district court. It was a light day without many arrests, so the atmosphere in lock-up seemed a little more bearable than usual. Most often, it is crowded, smelly, and hot and I focus all of my attention just on the clients I need to talk to. I have learned to generally shut out the cat calls and insults that are sometimes hurled around by men whose confidence is somehow boosted by being locked up. But today, there were only a couple of people there and they were quite friendly and funny:

Defendant 1, upon seeing me waiting at the door of lock-up for a court officer to let me back into the courtroom: You don’t have a wedding ring! You’re not married?

Me: Ha. No, I am not married.

D1: Are you getting married?

Me: Eventually, hopefully.

D2: Aww, you should get married. You’re so pretty.

D1: I have a couple of engagement rings I haven’t used. Do you want one?

It was rather hilarious.