MissTyrios dot com

I have put off writing this post for a long time because I was unsure whether to reveal my current turmoil to the world or just power through it. And then I realized that the few but proud readers of this site may be the best ones to help me cope, as I know that I am not the only public defender to feel this way. So here goes…

I am having a crisis of faith. I fear that I am losing my passion, that I am succumbing to the daily pressures, that I am reaching the dreaded burn-out. And I am intensely ashamed of that, because there was rarely a soul that drank the Kool-Aid as deeply as I did. It has barely been a year as a public defender - a mere year! - and I am finding that my patience is waning, that my long nights are getting shorter and shorter, with fewer and fewer things getting checked off that to-do list. And I hate to say it, but a great deal of it is the money issue.

Now, of course I came into this job knowing that I was going to be making crap for money. I was embracing my idealism and eschewing the ease with which my friends were putting down payments on downtown condos. I was doing it for the love, not the money. And all that would still be well and good, except that I am not only living below the means of my friends, I am actually not even able to make ends meet. I am sinking deeper into credit card debt, because my rent constitutes 50% of my pay and the rest simply does not cover food, gas, utilities, and the occasional need for a new suit or a cocktail (nevermind my loan payments). Just last week, I had to replace all four tires on my car because I had worn them to dangerous levels and I have absolutely no idea where that $500 is going to come from. It went on the plastic and that is going to overwhelm me. The theory of living like a righteous warrior fighting the good fight is a lot easier than facing the reality of ever-mounting debt of all kinds. It honestly keeps me up at night.

So I figure that I have three choices - a) keep at it, hoping for a raise or a bonus at the whim of the legislature, while still racking up more and more debt; b) pick up a second job slinging coffee or scanning book purchases and sacrifice the precious few hours I have with my family, boyfriend, or slumber as it is; or c) quit and find something that pays better. Several of you may suggest d) moving closer to work to cut down on expenses, but that would mean having to sacrifice my entire relationship with the man I am going to marry, so I cannot go there. Other than that being thrown out, I honestly do not know what to do. I really, really do not.

The daily grind of difficult clients, overwhelming case loads, frustrating prosecutors, and the rest would be eased enormously by the money issue. In the end, my crisis of faith is not so much about the job, but about the living. I just don’t know if I can do it.

I am at the office on a long weekend because I have a trial scheduled for Wednesday and I spent all day yesterday moving to a new apartment (and every night for the past few weeks packing for it, hence the lack of posts recently).  But I am not polishing off my motions in limine or perfecting my cross examinations because I cannot stop reading about and watching Clay Buchholz pitching a no-hitter for the Red Sox last night.  Click on the “Buchholz’s no-no: Watch all 27 outs.”  I have watched it three times and it makes me CRY.  I rarely, rarely miss a Red Sox game, but I could not watch it last night because I was lugging heavy boxes to my new place, where we do not yet have the tv and cable set up.  So I missed actually watching it, but it is an amazing feat (and only his second major league start!) 

 If you have not noticed, I love the Red Sox.  Possibly more than I love anything else in the world (loved ones excluded).

Now I really have to get to those jury instructions.

Hey look, I’m alive.  Sort of.  My first trial is tomorrow.  I feel like my heart may explode at any second.  This is a difficult case and could go either way.  I am just praying that I can keep it together, remember my law, and hear the words “not guilty.”

OK, I have a perfectly legitimate reason for not posting lately. Work is still busy, of course, but more importantly, the “e” key on my laptop has ceased working. So every time I type an “e” I am actually hitting ctrl-v after copying from another page. This is frustrating for me, because I type very fast and this throws off my rhythm. My typing can no longer keep up with my thoughts. And, needless to say, I cannot afford a new laptop on my public defender salary (this one has been decent to me but needs to be replaced for many reasons). Alas, I cannot even afford to get it fixed or even to buy an external keyboard because of an exciting development in my personal life that requires a lot of pennies going towards a first month/last month/deposit payment. So here is my promise - even if it takes me forever to type/edit entries, I am going to post at least one story a day for at least the next week.

Stay tuned.

It’s Friday night of a long weekend.  I worked until 7pm.  And tomorrow (after I get an oil change), I am heading to the jail to see three clients and then going to the office to (hopefully) finish two motions.

I also have my first trial scheduled.

It’s just one of those waves.  And then, I SWEAR, I will be back to regular posting.

I have a really fantastic post to write but I have barely come up for breath this past week.  Work, work, work, work, family, family, work, work.  With one break for a Red Sox game with the boyfriend.  I will return shortly.

This is a little off-topic from my usual posts, but I had a wicked anxiety dream last night that I just cannot shake. As I have mentioned before, I have not actually had a trial, though I have a few cases that are likely headed that way fairly soon. I also have two motions scheduled for the last week of this month.

Apparently, this impending performance is wreaking havoc on my brain, as I dreamed last night that I was changing into my pajamas one evening when I got a frantic call from the courthouse that my trial was about to start. I had no idea that I had a trial scheduled and had never even met my client before. I didn’t even know what the charges were. I had to get into a suit, drive like crazy, and as soon as I walked into the courtroom, the judge told me to begin my opening statement. The jury was there, waiting for me. And I said…something that made no sense at all. The judge recessed and, for some reason, I went home and didn’t make it back to court on time. When I got back, someone told me my client had been found not guilty. I still had no idea who my client was or what she was charged with. But she was acquitted. So I guess that’s good. But dear god, this feeling of anxiety has been haunting me all day. I know it’s a typical anxiety dream, along the lines of showing up for school and realizing you have to take a final when you didn’t even know you were enrolled in the class. But it’s still terrifying.

Be sure to check out PD Stuff’s Monday Musings this week…because it is an interview with me!

Today was another long, exhausting day. But, unlike my post on Friday after a long, exhausting day, I do not have the luxury of a three-day weekend ahead of me to recuperate (yes, Massachusetts has a made-up holiday so that thousands of crazy people can run 26.2 miles. It’s awesome). But I had to reflect on a couple of things -

1 - I have only been a public defender for about 7.5 months. And, obviously, it has been a very steep learning curve in all respects. But today, I realized that I have grown enormously in the small (but vital) area of taking things in stride. I am, by nature, someone who gets harried and stressed out when faced with difficult situations, or even just a lot of things going on at once. And dealing with that was one of my biggest challenges as a PD. When I had to be in 12 places at once, I couldn’t focus on any of them and would get flustered, sometimes to my embarrassment (please tell me that I am not the only one who has cried in the courtroom before). I couldn’t formulate thoughts when the judge threw me something unexpected and I often just would not be able to remain calm and deal with things one at a time. Today, when faced with a very difficult situation and a very difficult judge, I actually just…stayed calm, thought threw the twists, said everything right, and resolved what was looking like an unresloveable situation. And my brain said “Hey, you wouldn’t have been able to do that a few months ago. And now you look like a real lawyer! And a good lawyer!” Then I mentally patted myself on the back.

2 - I have given probation departments and probation officers a lot of grief. They are sometimes much more difficult to deal with than prosecutors, and their jobs are not, by definition, to be out to get people. But today (in the same difficult situation referenced above), I worked WITH (not, for once, against) the best probation officer in the state (title conferred by me). He went far, far above and beyond what he had to do (which was…nothing) out of actual concern for my client. He was, in simple terms, awesome. And I wish I could pat him on the back. But that would be a little weird.

I am taking off for a much-needed vacation to Las Vegas in a few hours. To amuse yourself while I am away, check out these interesting stories and sites:

Article about the legal challenges involving transsexuals and employment discrimination

Needled - A blog about tattoos by the fabulous lawyer Marisa DiMattia.

TV Gal - This has nothing to do with the law or politics, but I enjoy TV a little too much and have been reading Amy the TV Gal’s column for over 10 years now.

Celeb Warship - Again, this reflects my pop culture interests and is the best snarky gossip site on the interweb (written by my dear friend Alyk).

And finally…Viva Las Vegas!